Overwhelmed

Being overwhelmed is no joke and is the reason for the sudden river of tears down my face.  I completed the required treatment to calm the inflammation of pseudomonas aeruginosa in my lungs last Friday.  Two days later, I’m coughing like I never even took the medication.  Moments ago, I coughed til I had no air, my face red and my chest aching.  When I finally got a deep breath…the tears just rolled down my face.  I used to think I was a strong CF patient.  Now I’m realizing, I’m just beginning to face challenges some kids and adults have been dealing with their whole life.  Does that make me weak?  What a painful thought.

I haven't even started the new regiment of drugs and I'm already overwhelmed, annoyed, frustrated, and hurt.  I’m struck with the realization that I have no control over this disease and drugs are just a prolonged death sentence that cause other breakdowns in my system causing the need for some other drugs....and the cycle continues.   Sure, I can run everyday (which I have been doing), I can take the drugs,  I can go to appointments and smile on the outside, but in reality, I am a mess. 

Nothing is for sure in this life except death, another overwhelming thought I've come to encounter since I've started to see Dr.'s again.  Something about drugs and Dr.'s make me think about death instead of life.  I'm caught up wondering what drug is going to make me sicker, not better.   But it's not like I'm making it up in my head, I'M LIVING WITH THE SIDE AFFECTS of every drug they give me.  When I wasn't taking drugs, I wasn't thinking about dying.  That leads me to believe, pharmaceuticals, just like street drugs, highly effect one's mental state.

Maybe If I wasn’t so destructive in my 20’s, I wouldn’t feel like shit today.  Maybe if the media and Dr.’s didn’t give CF patients a life expectancy or a death sentence, I wouldn’t have taken my life to such extremes.  MAYBE, if I was taking my health more seriously and didn’t get distracted by the troubles of life and consumed with the statistics, I wouldn’t be feeling like shit today.  Maybe, coulda, shoulda, didn't, and did.  

The fact remains, I am more overwhelmed by the idea of taking drugs and seeing Dr.'s than I am of death itself.  This is not a joke.