"Give Up Your Personal History"

Give up your personal history, Embrace your personal history...my cards read...

"There are no accidents in an intelligent universe, so all the dark times, accidents, illnesses, and broken dreams were part of your spiritual advancement.  Embrace them, understand them, accept them, and then tranform them in your own way."

I am reflecting on the past, and looking towards the future.

BIRTHDAY TIME!!

My birthday is coming!!!  34 days to my 34^th bday!! (a little off since I wrote this a few days ago…) WOO HOO!!  Some people dread getting older or at least the onset of sagging skin, memory loss and arthritis.  I see the aging changes in my skin, my lack of memory and the arthritis I’ve had for 14 years, so 34 is just another year of life and wisdom.  I wouldn’t go backwards for anything.

The last of the party lifestyle

30th bday

My birthday is a big deal for the sheer fact that I was told that 12 would be my dying age.  At 12 I said, “I will to live to be 30.”  When 30 came and I was drunk and high, literally.  I was inside a club in SF dancing with my best friend without a care in the world.    I was oblivious to the fact that I had reached 30.  It wasn’t until 2 days later that I had an epiphany that I wasn’t dead and wasn’t going to die anytime soon.  It’s taken 4 years to get over my party lifestyle and get onto the straighten arrow.

So here I am, a changed and changing person, for the better, ready to celebrate the next stage in my life…ADULTHOOD. 

No Ordinary JOE

I’m sitting at the front desk of my job and a young man walks through the door wearing this shirt

 I was stunned.  Before he could say a word I blurted out…."Do you have CF?"  He said yes….and I said " I do Too!!!"  I was the first person with CF this 14y.o ever met outside of the Dr. office and he is the first person I’ve met with CF since my last visit to CF camp when I was 12! 

This young man left an everlasting impression of an empowered CF patient.   14 years old, going to work out on his own accord, knowing it will help his over all health, eager to ask questions and not just accept what he is told; he was just like me when I was 14.  

Life is confusing when you are 14 and CF absolutely complicates the process.  Making choices in regards to telling people about your CF is a heavy one.  Fear of being rejected, laughed at, explaining pills and treatments and why you have to go to the nurse so often is outright SCARY.  At 14, I was just out of the “ugly duckling”  XXXX stage, getting braces and entering high school.  I had to figure how to mesh into a school with 2500 students without being TOO different, pick and choose my circle of “in friends” and hope that my secret wasn’t revealed.  ‘He expressed, he was feeling the exact same pressures.  I thought I was different.  But I know now, we who live with CF, face many of the same challenges.

I hope that Joe can find himself, balance his health and lifestyle and figure how to “mesh” without too much stress. 

More than anything I was so happy to see and hear from a young man who was living life, facing the challenges and not letting the world hold him down. 

Keep running Joe!

Skinny Bit$$es eat too

I’m standing in front of the club getting some air when this guy, who is blatently tipsy, decides to say…”Damn girl…you so skinny…how you stay so thin?”  I pause….and ask him…”do you really want to know why I’m skinny or are you just harassing me.”  He says…”I want to know..” while patting his beer gut.  He started to explain how genetics are at fault for size as he took a puff of his cigarette and I started coughing.  End of conversation.

Skinny, as I’m so often called, is NOT normal or healthy.  Neither is my distended belly so often confused for 5 months of pregnancy.  I’m skinny without choice.  Genetics...Cystic Fibrosis, is the culprit, as the drunk guy said.

Having Cystic Fibrosis means that the mucus in my intestines prevents the normal absorption of fats and vitamins from foods which leads to poor growth, being underweight and challenges fighting infections like the cold or flu.  I need extra calories (try 3000 a day minimum) and nutrients to help fight infection and keep my lungs strong.

An average female my age/height/weight, needs to eat 1600 calories a day and exercise 3x a week to MAINTAIN her size.  In my case, I need to double the calories to hopefully maintain the weight.  Now, if I exercise 5 days a week (we are talking cardio here), I'll need to eat an extra 1000 a day.  That's  4000+ calories a day!!!  

For example...a BIG MAC is 500+ calories. A California Sushi roll or a bowl of spaghetti with tomato sauce are about 350 calories each.  One bowl of fruit (2 cups), depending on the fruit, is about 185 calories. 

You see the issue here?  On a good day I eat about 6 smallish meals (500 calories) and 2 BIG(1000) meals.  On average,  I eat 4 small meals and 2 big ones.   Not to mention I snack all day.

Next time you wanna point out I'm skinny, just give me a sandwich. Two of these will work:)

Birth Family search

Dad and Mom

Being adopted has hardly affected my life, except when the dr.’s ask “Do you have a history of…blah blah blah…in your family?”  My first response is to say yes, my family has a history of…., but I have to stop and answer the question in regards to my Birth family, which I don’t know anything about except CF is in their genes.  This repetitive question has led me back on a search I started when I was 18.

California is not playing when they say “closed adoption.”  Closed, meaning the ORIGINAL birth records are sealed, literally and figuratively.  To “unseal” the records, a formal written and notarized request that is COMPELLING and shows necessity of the information in the record must be sent to the Superior Court.  IF they feel the request shows validity, then they MAY allow a VIEWING of the record. If they do not allow a viewing they usually will provide non-identifying information for the seeker, but not the identifying information like the names of the birth parents. 

I thought having a GENETIC illness would be compelling enough considering I’m still alive and when I was born I had a death sentence of 12.  BUT, I learned when I was 18….the judge was not hearing it.  I found some non-identifying information in my searches, but nothing solid and nothing that would lead me to my birth family.

This search is not to invade my birth families lives or leave my family.  I do have the desire to learn about my heritage and show them how far I’ve come and thank them for their decision.  How do I do that without invading their lives?  How do I do that without the names of my birthparents?  

I’ve written a brief compelling letter to the judge asking to open the birth record.  What is compelling anyway?  Am I trying to make them cry? Laugh? Smile?  Should I sound desperate, eager, scared or threatened by death?   The directions do not give any hint as to what is a valid reason so my letter is a 4-sentence paragraph that paraphrased, goes something like this;

“I’m dying.  My dying wish is to find my heritage and share my story of life living with CF.” 

OK, so it’s a bit extreme, but TRUE…right?!  No I’m not on my deathbed, but I’m not getting any younger!!!  CF is GENETIC and the only souls on this planet that I’m related too and are passing on the genetic code are my birthparents…and their relatives and kids etc. 

CMON Superior Court!!!!!  Wish me luck